I'm realizing that when you have no peace about something it is usually for a good reason.
If you only feel sick when you think of new prospects like a job... a new guy... a new hair color whatever... It's usually something you should take mind of.
I make a good single girl. I get nervous when I think of dating anyone because I'm so good at being single. I get to do whatever I want. I can read three books in one day, eat popcorn for dinner, spend the whole evening cutting up clothes and teaching myself songs on guitar. It would be hard for me to give that up as stupid as that may sound.
There is some kind of dignity to being alone. I don't want to lose any dignity when I decide to date someone again.
I would like to wear bright clothes that don't always match, star stickers on my eyes, and teased hair without any disapproving boy looks from a guy who would rather be dating someone in a floral shirt and a pair of toms. Not to knock that, but it's just not me.
I've had boys tell me they don't like my clothes in the past so this is a sore subject for me and something I refuse to compromise on anymore.
You may say "well it's just clothing, it's external not internal" blah blah blah. It represents more than that to me. It's expression about who you are and it is essentially your identity. Maybe not to everyone, but that's what it means to me. Boys have taken a lot from me in the past but one of the few things they can take from me is my beliefs, my music, and my identity. I would die before giving up any of those things.
I used to make mix cd's for boys just on whims but I don't even do that anymore. I don't like them listening to the music I'm listening to. The last guy I did that for doesn't even speak to me anymore. The music I listen to is a form of a diary for where I'm at, at the particular moment. I am hesitant to make anyone a mix cd these days, barring some chick friends.
I don't talk to many people about what I like because for me it's too personal. That's probably stupid to most people but it's not to me. What you enjoy ends up shaping who you are whether you like it or not.
So basically I am living in a world begging me to compromise and I am refusing to with all my might.
