Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sometimes I don't know a thing

Almost Christmas and I don't even feel a thing.
I don't feel good or bad.
I can't feel any pain or any happiness either really. I'm at a place where I don't trust any boys or men. I like my friends and I like my family. I only think about music and saving up money for instruments. I'm going back to school in January.
Every boy I ever talk to bores me to tears.
I mean... it works out because I'm usually too weird for them anyways.
I just have too much passion and if I don't direct it towards a "boyfriend" or something along those lines I'll direct it towards music... or writing... or helping my friends... or even anger.
I have too much of it and I have to direct it at something or I'll explode.
It ends up coming out in my facial expressions and bright hair dye or too much make-up usually.
I'm a pastor's kid and I've lived under a microscope my entire life.
I don't feel like anyone who hasn't been a pastor's kid in a small southern town...where you aren't a bubbly blond cheerleader dating a football player... has the right to judge me.

I always watched as people would judge my older sister as I was growing up. She's 4 years older than me and was a normal person but dressed "alternative" I guess... so people were mean and dumb. When their own daughters were getting drunk and pregnant but LOOKED highlighted, bronzed, and sunshiny. All my sister did was play bass guitar and go to church.
It was complete bull crap.

So from then on I decided I never wanted to look like those girls. If looks were what you get judged on here(and everywhere I guess) I would dye my hair black or red and wear lipstick and crappy thrift store clothes or steal my sister's stuff.
I went to high school for about three months and hated it so much. I was too weird and quiet. I made good grades so my mom let me be home schooled and also enroll in the college... which was good because I was still in classrooms around people until I was 18 like everyone else.

Me and my friends were weird and no guys were into us. We had crushes on all the boys at hot topic I'm embarrassed to admit... I was 15 or 16 though and I'm about to turn 23 now. It was awhile ago.

I got a serious boyfriend when I was 17. He hated the way I dressed and told me my boots and tights "scared him". He encouraged me to throw all my tights in the retention pond behind the church and being so stupid and young I did it.
I was someone else for the next 4 years. Towards the end though... I started getting angrier and more depressed. I resented that I couldn't be myself. I would listen to all the screaming girl music I could find just to piss him off because he said it "scared him" too.
We got engaged, but I broke the engagement off. I was 21 and not ready for marriage... and we didn't match.

A lot of the after math of us breaking up is a blur but I remember I turned into an angry 16 year old again and wore all black and tons of makeup and home dyed my hair as dark or bright as I could get it.
I reverted exactly back to where I was right before we dated.

I still don't like to think about this stuff... but it's bothered me all day and I needed to get it out.
All I can say though, is that you never know enough about someone to judge them... There is usually pain behind the makeup.


  1. Man, this was a good one. There is always pain behind the makeup. And really, I think there is also always pain behind the highlights and bronzer. We live in such a broken world, you know?

  2. Jess- I love that you opened up so much. There is always pain behind the makeup... and even the bleach blonde hair. I love that you are willing to share your pain and your story.
    You are awesome!

  3. Yeah I agree that those girls I have turned into villians have hidden pain too... It's harder for me to have empathy for the girls who were mean though. I'm working on it still.