Sometimes I don't know a thing

Almost Christmas and I don't even feel a thing.
I don't feel good or bad.
I can't feel any pain or any happiness either really. I'm at a place where I don't trust any boys or men. I like my friends and I like my family. I only think about music and saving up money for instruments. I'm going back to school in January.
Every boy I ever talk to bores me to tears.
I mean... it works out because I'm usually too weird for them anyways.
I just have too much passion and if I don't direct it towards a "boyfriend" or something along those lines I'll direct it towards music... or writing... or helping my friends... or even anger.
I have too much of it and I have to direct it at something or I'll explode.
It ends up coming out in my facial expressions and bright hair dye or too much make-up usually.
I'm a pastor's kid and I've lived under a microscope my entire life.
I don't feel like anyone who hasn't been a pastor's kid in a small southern town...where you aren't a bubbly blond cheerleader dating a football player... has the right to judge me.

I always watched as people would judge my older sister as I was growing up. She's 4 years older than me and was a normal person but dressed "alternative" I guess... so people were mean and dumb. When their own daughters were getting drunk and pregnant but LOOKED highlighted, bronzed, and sunshiny. All my sister did was play bass guitar and go to church.
It was complete bull crap.

So from then on I decided I never wanted to look like those girls. If looks were what you get judged on here(and everywhere I guess) I would dye my hair black or red and wear lipstick and crappy thrift store clothes or steal my sister's stuff.
I went to high school for about three months and hated it so much. I was too weird and quiet. I made good grades so my mom let me be home schooled and also enroll in the college... which was good because I was still in classrooms around people until I was 18 like everyone else.

Me and my friends were weird and no guys were into us. We had crushes on all the boys at hot topic I'm embarrassed to admit... I was 15 or 16 though and I'm about to turn 23 now. It was awhile ago.

I got a serious boyfriend when I was 17. He hated the way I dressed and told me my boots and tights "scared him". He encouraged me to throw all my tights in the retention pond behind the church and being so stupid and young I did it.
I was someone else for the next 4 years. Towards the end though... I started getting angrier and more depressed. I resented that I couldn't be myself. I would listen to all the screaming girl music I could find just to piss him off because he said it "scared him" too.
We got engaged, but I broke the engagement off. I was 21 and not ready for marriage... and we didn't match.

A lot of the after math of us breaking up is a blur but I remember I turned into an angry 16 year old again and wore all black and tons of makeup and home dyed my hair as dark or bright as I could get it.
I reverted exactly back to where I was right before we dated.

I still don't like to think about this stuff... but it's bothered me all day and I needed to get it out.
All I can say though, is that you never know enough about someone to judge them... There is usually pain behind the makeup.

I'm just sittin' on a fence

My grandparents pretty much had the happiest marriage I've ever heard of.



If I could be guaranteed this, maybe my stomach wouldn't hurt every time I thought of marriage.










Sometimes I'm terrified of getting married.
I mean really terrified.
I know this isn't a fun blog or anything... don't read it if you don't want. This is my blog though and I decide what goes on here.

Anyways... I don't want to stop having dreams, or not be able to dye my hair cherry red and wear wine colored lipstick without a man getting on to me for it.
I'm not sure if this even makes sense or not.
I think I'm still jaded from that ex fiance of mine who liked to tell me how to dress and do my makeup and hair... asked me to throw out all my tights and told me how much he hated boots on a regular basis.

I know there's a man out there who won't hate my outfits, lipstick, love of cowboy music and also love of 90's grunge... or at least a man who can name one Rolling Stones album.

I also don't want to lose my identity... It sort of seems like marriage does that to a lot of people.



I'm just sort of discouraged right now.

Don't think twice, it's alright

Yesterday something BIG happened. At my ripe age of 22 and 3/4 I saw Bob Dylan age 68 up close.
I was already aghast at the reality of getting tickets to his concert for Oct. 8, 2010 at the O'Connell Center in Gainesville, FL;
But when a week ago I dreamed that me and Trish met him in an elevator...that was that.
We had to get closer than our nosebleed section tickets would allow.
The concert doors were to open at 8p.m., but we got to the O'Connell Center at 4 in the afternoon. All for high hope of our master plan coming to fruition.
We parked and then set off on foot for what we had thought we saw parked behind the auditorium.
Tour Buses.
Everything was roped off with caution tape. We tried batting our eyelashes at the event staff but to no avail. Our fishnet tights, black boots, dark make-up and freshly dyed hair must have been more off putting than we'd hoped for.
We found a spot right next to what we decided was the fanciest looking bus.
Separated only by ten to twenty feet of pavement and some metal railings we waited, eyes glued to the bus.
The security team watched us like hawks, probably because we'd already tried to get back there.
We waited; Trish and I both holding our breath, and holding in our pee as long as possible(we drank too much coffee, of course). Two hours passed.
All of the sudden a small, thin man walks right in front of us wearing jeans, cowboy boots, a pullover hoodie and a beanie...with an Afro poking out of it....IT WAS BOB! MAYBE FIFTEEN FEET AWAY!
He walked slowly, didn't seem to be in a hurry or anything. Me and Trish couldn't breathe. We wanted to say something but we couldn't talk. Or move.
Bob walked onto the bus and his manager or whoever quickly locked the door and turned and glared at us.
We then yelled "THAT WAS HIM WASN'T IT!?"
The manager guy in dark sunglasses just smiled and nodded his head yes.
We then collapsed into hysterics giggling and yelling like obnoxious fan girl groupies.
We had seen Bob! A few yards away!
He looked cool as crap.
Shortly after this, we were somewhat politely asked to leave the premises.
The concert was amazing, me and Trish head banged and screamed and danced for two hours straight.
It was the Beatles at Shea Stadium for us.
It was one of the best days of my life so far.

Oh sisters lets go down, down to the river to pray

I love the story of my grandparents. Basically my grandma grew up in west Virginia, working in a factory from the age of like 14, while all the men went in the coal mines.
Her future husband(my grandpa, obviously) hitchhiked to bible college with his bags and saxophone. He became a pastor and met my grandma in church where she played the guitar and sang.
Though she told me before she met him she had tons of boyfriends and snuck out her window at night to see them. haha












They traveled around the country to different churches in this, from what I've been told.

On their honeymoon

She's the one in the middle, that stands out the most haha.

I'd love to grow up to be like her one day

Further along we'll know more about it...

People are probably getting sick of hearing me talk about my grandma, but I'm still having a really hard time. Especially the past few days.
This picture only makes me sad because I miss her; but it makes me laugh too.
Yes she is holding a pistol, haha.

Lonely days and lonely nights, guess the world knows I ain't feeling right.

So I haven't posted in awhile because My grandma, who I was very close to passed away last saturday.

Going to her funeral and seeing all her young pictures, really made me want to dress like she used too. I know, I know... but thats the only thing that was keeping me from being heartbroken about not seeing her again in this life.

She was actually prettier than any of the women in the above pictures.

Plus she knew her way around a guitar and a shot gun.

Memaw had style.

What so ever things are lovely

Today is favorite things day. Because when life gives you crap, think about things that make you happy.







George Harrison andddd a toby dog! almost too much.






I love this movie. It's just pretty to look at.

Keith puts me in a good mood.

"Halloweenie" episode of Pete and Pete.

I think I love candy corn, as a result of loving fall.

I miss dressing like this. It's too hot here.

One of my fave movies. "What's the matter fellas? Blue Meanies?"

I'm a sucker for fancy coffee drinks.

I need to wear all of these outfits this fall.

oh yeah, and Jacob.

HA

Judge me if you'd like.

but I'm in a better mood already.

Unda the sea

So sometimes I wish I was a mermaid.
I'm being completly serious.

I think weeki wachee springs mermaid is my ideal job.

either that or librarian.... I know that's a wide range, but it is the absolute truth.

There's a dark and a troubled side of life, but there's a bright and a sunny side too

My grandma is in the hospital slipping away right now, so I'm dedicating a post to her.
She is my mom's mother. She's 92 years old, having had my mom when she was in her late 40's.
She taught me to make biscuits and gravy and the best spaghetti known to man.

These are the things that remind me of her.












All her pictures of when she was younger totally look like Vivien Leigh.








She used to teach us moonshine songs with cusswords in them, which always made my dad mad. haha










She allllways went to an old lady hair parlor once a week to get her hair "set" or permed I guess...







Grew up in a coal mining town in west virgina









Played guitar and sang hymns and mountain music






taught me to always make cornbread in an iron skillet







She always smelled like Jovan White Musk



She loves the Smokies, but who doesn't?




She was a Pastor's wife but never EVER call her "Sister Zink" or she will cuss at you.
We always called her memaw.

Take a look, it's in a book...

Okay it can be said that I have always been a bookworm.
It's okay to say that now that I'm older, but in school I was just weird and quiet and hung out in the library a lot.

I Especially love Biographies about musicians, Stories about Southern old ladies, and any book aimed at Teenagers.

I Sometimes like classics too... anyways This is my Favorite Book List!:

I know, I know... No one reads this anymore apparently, because everytime I mention it people freak out about how long it is.
My first GWTW experiance occured at my cousin Melodee's house when I was 14. I had actually seen the movie once before when I had mono, but obviously didnt enjoy it that time.

This time we were having a hair dye slumber party and I wanted to dye my hair black.

I put the dye on my head and then got too caught up in Tara and Rhett Butler and left it on for over an hour. My hair looked like a black hole.

So since I loved the movie, I finally read the book last year and I absolutly loved it.

Make fun of me if you want, I care not.

I just realized I also saw this movie before I read the book... hahaaa.

I saw the movie when I was in middle school and really liked it.

I realized it was a book about 2 years ago and of course went out and purchased it. Wow! It blew the movie away, and the movie is great.

Jeffrey Eugenides is an astounding writer. It takes someone who is just that good to take a story that deals with suicide, but not make it a book about suicide.

It's a story told from the perspective of a group of guys who, as teens in a 1970's era Michigan suberb, obsess over a group of 5 mysterious blond sisters. Since the story is told from the boys point of view and never from the girls point of view, they are just as mysterious to the reader as they are to the boys.

This book has a few ackward parts of course, and I would only recommend it if you can handle a book that's not all sunshine and happy endings.

This is the first book I ever read in one sitting. I was in 7th grade and I loved it.

I have since read it about ten more times for nostalgias sake.

A story which most people can relate to about the injustices of social status and how it can get out of hand to the point of violent ends.

The protagonist is of course Pony Boy Curtis, as he navigates us through his neighborhood of "greasers" and the rival gang of "socs".

While greasers and socs now sounds dated the whole concept is still relavent. I also don't care at all that this book is aimed at 14 year olds.

It will have me "staying gold" for a long time.

This one is soooo good!

Told by Melinda a girl going into the 9th grade with " the wrong attitude, a skirt she hates, and a stomache ache."

She is ostracized all her freshman year and retreats internally to the point of hardly speaking.

All her "plain jane" friends from junior high have moved into separate cliques, leaving Melinda completly alone in a sea of passing faces.

This book is also dark at points, but it is very well written and very hard to put down.

Even though I didn't experiance everything that happened to Melinda in the book, it totally reminded me of how I thought and felt at school when I was that age.I highly recomend this one.

I love the Beatles and I love John Lennon, so I picked this up at the Library one day when I had nothing to do. Before I read this I had already read a big, thick John Lennon Biography so I wasn't expecting much from this book.

I actually enjoyed this wayyyy more than that huge bio.

This is simply his and Yoko's last major interview before John was tragically killed.

It shows how normal his whole life was and how happy and hopeful he seemed at the time. He talks a good deal about "Double Fantasy" his last album which was about to come out, and he explains a lot of Beatle songs too.

This book even changed my mind about Yoko a bit... I had a little more empathy for her after reading this. If you are a John fan, this is worth a read.

.

This book has old lady written allover it. It is funny and makes me think of my grandma and my mom.

I also just think it's funny that this is on my book list.

If you want to read a book in the same vein as an old lady made for tv movie than you should read this.

I have already done a post on the Boyd sisters, so needless to say I am a fan.

I loved this book, it was fascinating to me. George is my favorite Beatle so It was interesting to see what it must have been like to be married to him and also be living in "swinging 1960's London". Patty has lived a very memorble life and crammed a lot in, and written very eloquently about it.

Good Read, and short and easy. All my favorite things rolled into one.

Other Books That deserve mentions in my favorite Catagory are, Love is a Mixtape, The BellJar, and Most rock bios.

I'm currently reading White Oleander for the first time, and my next must read is Smart Blonde by Dolly Parton.

What are your favorite books? And if you don't read books, then why on earth not?

Too many kids, not enough indian folk singers

So once a month my church has a choir and band dinner where everyone is supposed to bring a dish, drink, blah blah blah. These dinners are typically themed like Breakfast food, Italian, Mexican, ect.

Last nights theme was homecooking? It was a very vague theme. It resulted in me bringing one of the worst pots of chicken and dumplings Ive ever made, about 50 bags of chips brought by various people, molly's delicious corn THAT I GOT NONE OF!, and Kfc chicken/Little Ceasers pizzas.

The problem with these dinners is every one we have, people bring more kids and less food.

The kids all went in the line first and ate EVERYTHING which is why I missed out on Molly's famous corn.

Rats.

I am not a fan of children.

So, earlier this year someone sent me youtube video of Karen Dalton, saying I would like it.

Well I've been mildly obsessed ever since.

She was a folk singer in the 60's and American Indian but sounds sort of like Billie Holiday.

Played Banjo and twelve string acustic guitar.

She also has teeth missing and all the attributes that would allow you to never be able to cut a record today.

Go listen to "Katie Cruel" and "It Hurts Me Too."

I only care about Tabloid couples from 40 years ago

Sometimes I think about the Boyd sisters and go, man. Those girls had something I guess.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm refering to Patti and Jenny Boyd.

They were the love triangle sisters of rockstars. Haha

Patti of course had her choice of George Harrison(my fave beatle) or Eric Clapton, and had "Something" and "Layla" written about her...yadda yadda blah blah. I mostly love Layla because Duane Allman is on that.

ahhh hard days night. George and Patti.

Jenny had Mick Fleetwood, the very tall long haired drummer of fleetwood mac, and folksinger Donavon after her.

I love early fleetwood mac, but I also love the song Donavon wrote for Jenny, "Jennifer Juniper"

I don't know why all this stuff is so interesting to me, but it's the kind of stuff I read about instead of the news.

Jenny and Mick Fleetwood. I think they made a great couple.

Patti with the Stone thugs

Hard not to envy these chicks